Home Sweet Home

Currently I am back home :)
Home sweet home

Giving is an act of virtue

I wish it is as simple as that. I started with a spontaneous good intention. In the process of fulfilling my “donation” I met many difficulties, I end up being disappointed and angry of myself and of my recipients.
In “giving”, I wish to have done good deeds to others in order to lift off some of the recipient’s burden.
Not all people who are in need of help want to be helped. Most people are afraid of changes, even the change is for good. Somehow, if we stay long enough in bad situation, eventually it will become a comfort zone; which is sometimes hard to let go.
In this case, I assume my recipient to be in difficult situation as was claimed. Yet most of my advices were repelled; while some advices were not accepted but at least given a chance to be proven. Of course, at the end I realized it is not possible to ask them to do it themselves, but I have to do it myself. What I mean, I really have to enforce my idea even without their consent. This is so unhealthy; I refused to do it again.
Another problem, I am trying very hard to be helpful. Now that I lose my motivation (due to reasons mentioned above), I am doing it in the name of duty. See, now I no longer offer help, I prefer to help only when they asked. Yet, another disappointment occurred, it calls parasitism. After so many abuses, I come to a conclusion: I am merely a working and milking cow here. They put no effort at all, and throwing it to me. I feel like they are taking every chance to take advantage of me.
Disappointment is the word. I wish I could fulfill my good intention, my good deeds. I failed. The whole process going downwards, I no longer have intention to help, I am disappointed of them, and I even grow to hate them.
Yes, I have failed; I wish I can be more patient, on others and on myself.

GF&BF

I named them BF for male one and GF for female one. They are really a good couple. When I feed one of them (say BF), he'll look at GF to make sure she got another piece too; once he's sure, then he starts to eat. Or when I feed them for lunch and only one of them is around, he/she won't start without its couple. Or when they eat together, they never fight. I am not exaggerating, but they really know how to share. So touching...
Apart from sharing, they're also a good team in chasing up cats who wanna steal their meal. Hahaha... very cute.

3-in-1

I should have written this when I was still in hospital bed, I didn’t really sleep whole day, but I kinda constrained myself from using this little laptop simply to avoid accusations from people who really couldn’t understand why I still look happy and strong while I was hit by 3 illnesses in one time. Yeah, guests kept coming and kept doubting me.

Won’t complain much about what people think of me. So, those 3 illnesses are dengue fever, typhoid and chikungunya.

5 days before I checked myself to doctor, I had a continuously up&down fever. Not sure how high it was, cos there’s no thermometer around me. Apart from fever, I had diarrhea, whole body aching, joints pain, and painful eye socket.
Anyway, I thought it was common flu until I went for blood test, which indicate that my leukocyte and thrombocyte level were dropping – this to show positive dengue fever and chikungunya, and also Widal test showing I was infected by Salmonella family – confirmed I had typhoid fever. All these diseases have similar symptoms, unless blood test was done, it is quite hard to pinpoint; but I guess I won all the prizes.
What are the causes? Dengue fever and chikungunya are transmitted by Aedes mosquitoes. While typhoid is transmitted by the ingestion of food or water contaminated with feces from an infected person. Damn, it sounds so yucky, but it is so common in Indonesia.
The treatments at hospital were antibiotic injections, vitamins injections, non-stop IV injection and gallons of water. Really effective, I was fully recovered within 4 days of treatment. Now I am fully free from dengue fever and chikunguya, but still need to have 1-month-diet of soft baby food to comfort my intestine from typhoid’s impact.

is it goodbye?

lately,
it seems like you let go my hands
it seems like you turn your head away from me

today...
it seems like lights are dimming
all lines seems to point to one direction
i questioned myself, "is this a road to good-bye?"

i wish u well, dear ...

softer hands??

softer-looking hands in 2 days of IV treatment :)
look at the difference of these 2 hands... hahahaha