Then... set me free, would you?

I guess I don't really hate her

I also don't wanna hurt her

I realized it is not her fault

It is my fault for putting too much effort to be your number one

My fault for loving you too much

I hate that you changed when she is around, or even... when she is in your mind

You become a different person

You always find me second to her

Everything she do, even if she wanna kill herself... you still think she is more holy and angelic than me

When she is down, you will pull me down, stepping on me... just to make her looks "above". You don't wanna her to feel that she is losing from me. You always ensure that she will always be the best, the valuable one, the precious one. A fragile soul that need the world's love and protection.

I am jealous, every time you mention her name, you always have the sparks in your eyes. Always...

I am jealous how much you worry about her, how your mind is always full of her. 

I hate to find you secretly calling her...  giggling and whispering

I hate it when you never say anything positive about me. I hate it when you firmly say "NO" when people praising me, you kept saying... can't be that good, others are doing better job

Even when the whole world say I am good, you would say the other way around
Why can't you be proud of me? Why can't you appreciate me?

And the foolish thing is, your word is so important for me. I am begging for your recognition... which you never gave

She is always a better one, isn't she?

You wish she is yours, don't you? 

Then... set me free, would you?

Let me learn to become a better person you expected

Dhammavihari Pabbajja 2015

This Pabajja was slightly different from the previous one. Ashin Kheminda teaches anapanasati from the very basic, starting from scanning 4 elements in our bodies, before he asked students to do anapanassati. And he gave a very comprehensive and systematic instruction on how to do anapanasati.
Everyday, he gave only limited instructions, as if he is following each of our progress, making it easy to follow, easy to understand, because we have practiced, improved and experienced it. Each day, we go deeper and deeper as our mindfulness and stillness get stronger. There is no surprise that many of us succeed in getting into samadhi. 

Ashin Kheminda also made himself available for every difficulties that we faced, there's no question that is too trivial to answer. He ensures to clear our doubts and troubles in meditation.

Also, in Chan Forest, the weather and the environment really suitable for meditation. Its nature and serenity does make us relax, which is very important in anapanasati meditation.

And I would like to express my gratitude to all the volunteer that have assisted us in our retreat, without your saddha (faith) and metta (love) we wouldn't be able to practice in ease.

Last but not least, I bow to our teacher Ashin Kheminda, for having the metta to teach us the precious teaching of Buddha as pure as stated in Tripitaka and its commentaries. Thank you.

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我这次短期出家的经验跟上次稍有不同。Ashin Kheminda從非常基礎的階段開始教起，他要求我们，先從扫描我们身体的4个元素開始，才做安那般那念。他的教導非常全面而有系统。每天，他只會给我們一點進階的指令，就好像他是根據我们的每一个进步來指導，讓禪修變得更容易進行與理解，因为我们已经有了实修经驗。 

每一天，我们的層次都變得更深，也进入了更强的正念 和寂静之中。难怪，我们很多人已成功达到了三摩地. Ashin Kheminda 总能提供知無不言的谘询。舉凡是我们面临的每一个困难，每一个琐细的问题他都可以回答，以确保我們可以解除禅修的疑虑和烦恼。

此外，在禅森林，它的天气和环境也很适合我们坐禅,那裡的特质与宁静确实让我们放松身心，这也是安那般那念重要的因素之一.  

这儿, 我也想对所有义工朋友们表达我的諸多感谢與感恩。没有你们的saddha（信仰）和metta（慈爱），我们就无法這麼自在地禪修。 

最后,也是最重要的是，我要合十禮敬我们的老师 Ashin Kheminda，感恩您慈悲教導我们佛所宣說的宝贵大藏經教法。谢谢。感恩。

Back to the crazy world

I remember that last year, when I was about to disrobe, I cried badly. Why did I cry? Cos' I do not want to let the robe away from me. I felt that my peace was taken away from me. But what choice do I have?

This year, I rejoined as a lay-people with 8-sila, that's all. I come to an agreement with myself that the robe - any robe and with or without hair, it will not affect my practice. So I decided to choose the lay-people attribute.
The retreat was a better version of last year. The instruction given was so comprehensive, systematic, and very clear - it was explained in a 'easy to understand' wordings.Yet, no matter how clear and simple the instruction is, it still depends on our own practice. Well, mine, my achievement wasn't as great as last year. But at least, I was able to sit for hours without much trouble. Amazing!!!

On the 'disrobe' day, I wasn't emotional as before. This time, I am stronger about it, accepting the fact that I need to be back to the crazy world.

And guess what, as soon as I turned on my phone, I have tonnes of duties waiting, and suddenly my chest feel so heavy and hurt. I wanna cry badly.
I feel like I was dragged and trapped in the same cage after escaping for 10 days.
I feel tired, confused, sad, and depressed. Why do we live like this?
Why do we keep chasing illusion...