Back to the crazy world

I remember that last year, when I was about to disrobe, I cried badly. Why did I cry? Cos' I do not want to let the robe away from me. I felt that my peace was taken away from me. But what choice do I have?

This year, I rejoined as a lay-people with 8-sila, that's all. I come to an agreement with myself that the robe - any robe and with or without hair, it will not affect my practice. So I decided to choose the lay-people attribute.
The retreat was a better version of last year. The instruction given was so comprehensive, systematic, and very clear - it was explained in a 'easy to understand' wordings.Yet, no matter how clear and simple the instruction is, it still depends on our own practice. Well, mine, my achievement wasn't as great as last year. But at least, I was able to sit for hours without much trouble. Amazing!!!

On the 'disrobe' day, I wasn't emotional as before. This time, I am stronger about it, accepting the fact that I need to be back to the crazy world.

And guess what, as soon as I turned on my phone, I have tonnes of duties waiting, and suddenly my chest feel so heavy and hurt. I wanna cry badly.
I feel like I was dragged and trapped in the same cage after escaping for 10 days.
I feel tired, confused, sad, and depressed. Why do we live like this?
Why do we keep chasing illusion...